Chapter Text
Liv smiles, inhaling the sweet smell of her sons shampoo, wrapping him in her arms. “Morning, sweet boy,” she greets sleepily.
Noah cuddles into her, his hands settling on her stomach. “Momma?”
“Hmmm?” She questions, pulling herself back from sleep.
“Is there a baby in your belly?”
Opening her eyes, she settles hers on his curious blue ones. “There is,” she answers softly.
He seems to ponder this for a moment before smiling. “Does that mean I’m going to be a big brother?”
Brushing back his bedhead curls, Liv nods. “It does. What do you think about that?” A myriad of emotions crosses his face and when his teary gaze meets hers again, Liv can feel the tears welling in her own eyes. “You’re going to be the best big brother, Noah. I just know it.”
He nods, wiping his eyes as the smile fills his face. “I love them so much already, Momma.”
Liv kisses his forehead, fighting back the waterworks that come all too quickly these days. “They love you too, sweet boy.”
“Can I see?”
Rolling over onto her stomach, she lifts her shirt so that he can see her growing bump. He places his hand tentatively on her belly, his eyes filling again at the realization of the life inside of her.
“Does Papa know?” He questions.
At his question, Rafael rolls over. “I know, Mijo,” he answers.
Liv brushes her fingers through Rafael’s own spectacular bed head, settling at the nape of his neck. He’d obviously heard their conversation, tears in his eyes as he wipes them away.
“What’s the baby’s name?” Noah asks.
“Well, we haven’t picked one out yet. But right now, we’ve been calling them Sweet Pea,” she answers.
Leaning down, Noah presses a kiss to her belly. “Hello Sweet Pea! I’m your big brother, Noah and I can’t wait to meet you!”
They’re both crying now and Rafael leans over to press a kiss to her temple. “He’s going to reduce me to a complete mess,” he murmurs.
Liv holds the back of his head for a minute, before turning to meet his lips in a kiss.
“When will baby Sweet Pea be here?” Noah questions, snuggling into his mothers side.
“They’ve got a few more months to go before they’re ready,” Liv answers.
“Will they be here for the wedding?” He continues to question.
“I think they’ll still be in Momma’s belly then, Mijo,” Rafael answers.
Noah yawns, continuing to rub her belly and Liv decides not to question why he had made his way into their room in the middle of the night. He had been so excited to sleep in his new room the past couple of nights that when they tucked him in, he had given them each a kiss and had slept the entire night without issue.
“What’s everyone feeling for breakfast?” Rafael questions, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Can breakfast wait for a little bit? I want to lay here and snuggle with my guys.”
Noah giggles, bringing the blankets up over them. “I’ll always snuggle with you, Momma!”
At five years old, his promise is easy and Liv knows that in a few years, he may not even want to be in the same room as them, let alone let her cuddle him. So she draws him into her arms and showers him in kisses until his giggles fill the room.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
“No cake?” Dodds teases.
“I knew we shoulda got a cake!” Carisi exclaims.
“I’m joking,” Mike laughs. “This is incredibly thoughtful.” He gestures to the spread of finger foods and drinks set up in the break room, complete with a ‘Good Bye and Good Luck’ banner hung from the ceiling.
“OC is getting a good one,” Amanda comments. “You’ll be great over there.”
Mike nods. “I really appreciate you all showing me the ropes; I know having the new guy come in and take charge isn’t always easy.”
“The amount of paperwork that got done around here was amazing,” Liv comments with a smile. “You taught us a thing or two, Mike. We’re going to miss you.”
He nods, a shy smile on his face. “I learned a lot from you, Lieutenant. Thank you.”
Liv pulls him into a hug. “You’re going to do great things in this world. The doors always open here at SVU.”
. . . . . . . . . . . .
“Well?”
Liv tilts her head, regarding the color swatches on the wall. “What do you think?”
Rafael gives her a look, brushing the hair back from his eyes and inadvertently smearing yellow paint on his forehead. “I asked you first.”
They’ve bought samples of a few colours they had liked while roaming the paint selection at a hardware store and he’s opened each one, painting a spot on the nursery walls. Reaching for the brush in the pale green he had picked, Liv swipes it over his arm.
Rafael looks down at his arm, then back up at her. “Why’d you do that?”
Liv points to his forehead, not trying to hide her smile. “The colours look better on you.”
“That so?” Reaching for the brush in the eggshell color, he swipes it along her arm. “Looks good on you too.”
He’s got that lopsided grin on his face and there’s amusem*nt in his eyes and Liv grabs another paintbrush, ready to strike. The laugh erupts from deep in his chest as he attempts to grab her wrists to stop her, only she’s too quick. There’s now several yellow and green stripes on his arms and shirt.
Catching her around the waist, Rafael pulls her into his chest so that some of the paint ends up on her clothing as well. Grabbing the brushes from her, he makes sure to squeeze out the excess paint onto his hands, bringing them to her face as he pulls her in for a kiss.
Liv squeals in laughter, the paint a bit sticky against her skin, meeting her lips with his. Her own hands are covered in paint and she runs her fingers through his hair, settling at the nape of his neck. His kiss is slow, deep and she happily gives entrance to his tongue when he teases at her lips.
“I think I like the eggshell,” she murmurs against his lips.
Sliding his hands from her face, Rafael slips them paint and all, under her t-shirt. “Yeah?”
Liv pulls back, resting her forehead against his, his touch sending a shiver down her body. “Goes well with the elephants.”
“Eggshell it is then.” Stepping back slightly, he takes in her paint covered face, his hands sliding over her belly up to her breasts. “Take a shower with me.”
Pressing another kiss to his lips, Liv leads the way to their ensuite.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
“How’s physical therapy going?” Dr. Lindstrom questions.
Rafael looks down at his left arm, flexing his fingers and bending his arm. The doctors weren’t even sure if he would regain function and the movement he has gained back is a small miracle. “Good….my doctor is optimistic that I’ll make an almost full recovery.”
“That’s good, all things considered.”
He nods, falling into silence.
“What is it, Rafael?” Dr. Lindstrom questions.
Shrugging, he leans back into the couch. “I want to be angry at him. I have every right to hate him.”
Dr. Lindstrom leans back in his own chair. “Are you referring to Elliot?”
Nodding again, Rafael continues. “He could have killed me. He could have done the same to Liv, to Noah, the baby….I was in a coma for christ sakes. I should hate him. I should be happy that he’s gone.”
“But you don’t feel that way,” Dr. Lindstrom points out. “What is it that you are feeling?”
He mulls it over for a few moments before answering. “I feel sorry for his kids, for his family….that no one saw the spiral he was in and reached out to help him. He wreaked havoc on my family and I feel sorry for him.”
“From what I’ve gathered, Elliot was suffering a great deal. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour or what he did to you, Rafael. Many survivors of trauma find that forgiveness, rather than anger, allows them to heal, to move forward. Gives them peace, especially when there is no real closure.”
“….we’re just unpacking Liv’s grief….I don’t think it’s really hit her yet the magnitude of what he did, and maybe I’ve compartmentalized my own feelings towards what happened, maybe I haven’t unpacked them myself…” he lets his train of thought trail off, unable to decipher it all.
“I think that given all of the changes in your life- the new house, the upcoming wedding and adoption, the baby - you’re healing at a pace that’s right for you. You’ve faithfully come to your appointments, ready and willing to discuss and take strategies that will help you on this journey.” Dr. Lindstrom leans forward on his knees, holding his gaze. “You’re not that same man that stepped into my office those many months ago: you’ve healed, grown, developed healthy strategies that have helped you tremendously, especially so with what has recently happened to you.”
He wipes his eyes, nodding. “That’s a pretty good pep talk, Doc.”
Dr. Lindstrom smiles. “I’ve been known to be quite inspirational when required. There’s no right or wrong way for you and Olivia to move through this. There’s no timeline that needs to be followed, no proper way to act or feel. Some days will be harder than others and on those days, you’ll lean on each other.”
Exhaling, Rafael feels as if an invisible weight has been lifted from his chest. “I’m just….ready to move on. Put this behind us….go a few months without another life altering crisis.”
“If that’s how you feel today, then do just that,” Dr. Lindstrom reasons. “And if tomorrow you feel differently, that’s alright too.”
. . . . . . . . . . .
“You ok?” She questions softly.
He’s a nervous wreck. Had been all morning, floating between excitement and an anxiety that had almost caused his morning coffee to make a violent exit. Liv reaches for his hand, squeezing it and her smile gives him the anchor he desperately needs right now.
Dr. Wilder wheels towards the bed Liv is laying on, squirting the clear jelly onto her protruding belly. “How is everyone feeling?”
“Baby and I are feeling great,” Liv answers. “I think I’ve finally turned a corner with the morning sickness.”
“That’s good. You were having a tough go with it,” Dr. Wilder recalls. She quickly glances at Rafael, who is a nervous ball of energy. “You doing ok over there, Dad? You’re looking a little pale.”
“A little anxious,” he admits.
Liv squeezes his hand.
“Well, let’s see if we can’t alleviate some of that, huh?” Taking the wand from the ultrasound machine, she presses it against Olivia’s stomach.
The machine comes to life and they both turn their gaze to the monitor.
It’s a silent minute as she moves the wand around her stomach before the clear sound of their baby’s heartbeat fills the room.
“Nice and strong,” Dr. Wilder comments with a smile.
She hears him exhale next to her and his head drops to their joined hands on the bed. It’s a minute before he’s kissing her hand, getting to his feet to press a kiss to her forehead, her lips. When he pulls back, there’s tears in his eyes and Liv reaches out to cup his cheek, tears filling her own.
“Would you like to know the sex?” Dr. Wilder questions.
“Yes,” they say in unison, turning their gazes back to the monitor.
“There’s baby’s feet….and their hands….their head…” Dr. Wilder continues to move the wand around.
There’s not much that can render him speechless, but watching their baby take shape in front of his own eyes leaves him without words. Liv’s growing this life, their baby, and she’s protected them with her own body, providing for them and Noah and even him and Rafael squeezes her hand, taking a deep breath.
She’s their sun.
“And baby Benson Barba is….” Dr. Wilder moves the wand around some more, looking for the right angle. “A boy! Congratulations!”
She continues sliding the wand around Liv’s stomach, talking about percentiles and measurements but Rafael doesn’t hear any of it, because he can’t tear his eyes away from her.
She’s given him so much already. A life he hadn’t dared to dream of, a home, her heart. She made him a better man. A father. A son he couldn’t possibly love any more than he already does. Gave him the courage to live authentically and loves him more than he ever thought someone in this lifetime could.
And now another son.
The reality of raising two boys, their boys, of all the things he dreamt of lying on the floor in their old apartment, all of the things he prayed and bargained to whatever God that would listen for, takes root inside of his chest so viscerally it’s overwhelming.
Watching her, with her eyes alight with more love and happiness than he’s seen in a long time, leaves Rafael feeling raw in a way he can’t describe. Her gaze connects with his and the smile on her face, the joy in her eyes nearly brings him to his knees. He leans down to press another kiss to her lips. “I love you. So much.”
Liv kisses him back softly, bringing a hand to cup his face. “A little boy with your eyes.”
He nods, willing himself not to fall apart right there in Dr. Wilder’s office. “Your smile, then.”
Tbc
